I am the Captain of My Soul

The exam is over!  I was filled with adrenalin and so over exhausted that I could not sleep.  Instead, I watched Eastwood's film, "Invictus," which centers around Mandela and rugby.  Mandela inspired the Captain of the Springbok team to inspire his team to championship.  I did not realize that the movie was named after the Victorian poem, "Invictus," nor did I know that the poem, itself, had inspired Mandela, and his fellow inmates on Robben Island, to withstand life within prison walls.

Essay Books and The Recorder's Model Answers at my favorite Law Library

Having been to Robben Island and toured South Africa, the movie had even more meaning for me and it put my own life, and the challenges of the California Bar exam into better perspective.  A "prisoner" to my studies since mid-March 2010, I have been released to normal life, and can resume long walks at my favorite parks in California until I leave this beautiful state to begin life anew.

On this long path towards the July 2010 bar exam, I have also met and become friends with a man whom I shall always remember and who affects me deeply, who affects my soul.  I traveled to South Africa to see another man who affected me similarly; a man of great intellect, sensitivity and compassion for others who died unexpectedly at a young age of heart failure.  A published author, I learned about his death nearly one year later, when I discovered that he was described as the "late" author.

My life has been hanging in the balance for two years, and I have sacrificed much to become an attorney.  I am in good company, for it takes intelligence, guts, determination and incredible perseverance to become a lawyer.  And, it seems, every few years, California raises the bar, making the exam more extensive in the 17 subjects tested, the necessary MPRE scores higher, without factoring in the sheer physical, mental and emotional stamina required just to sit for the exam.  One's back and seat becomes numbed by pain by extended sitting for three days on unforgiving chairs.  One's stomach must be conditioned to lack of sustenance for hours at a time.  And, even water is disallowed unless we sip it supervised by the examination watch dogs.  Indeed, it seems to be cruel and unusual punishment.  Have the examiners themselves subjected themselves to such conditions?

Mandela, himself, was an attorney.  He used his skills of logic and persuasion to lead a country.  And, if I pass the bar exam and am admitted to practice law, I shall be proud to follow his tradition in my own simple way.  I shall never be a Mandela, but I would be happy to be a great advocate for my clients and to use the law to secure a sense of justice for them.

I close with "Invictus" written by Walter Henley and featured in the film. . .

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Relation Back and a Winning Game

It occurred to me that going into the JULY 2010 exam, that I should not mentally, emotionally or psychically relate back to my first exam experience in February 2009.  I have spent the time with my tutor to learn the answers to my question at that time, mainly "What went wrong?"  Now, I know what went wrong. I know what my weaknesses and strengths were; I am committed to play to my strengths.  And, I committed, during the past few months, to improve my weaknesses.  Now, I must NOT relate back to my first experience, but enter this experience as if it were new, as if I were taking this exam for the FIRST time.

No self-doubts, self confidence is what's called for.  I must pretend that I am like an Olympic athlete who faltered and fell in the rink, and is back to bring home the GOLD - undaunted and well practiced.  I can almost hear the roars of the crowd, the come-back kid is here again!  Did you see that triple-turn?  The elegance of the skating?  The synchronization with her partner?  "Ahhh!," sighs the crowd who collectively experience a silent chill at the beauty of the movements of the skating while hearing the skates cut the ice.

I can only dream about being an Olympic skater, but I can make passing the California bar exam a reality.  You can, too!

So, my final thoughts - play the game to win!

Weekend Plans and Saying Goodbye

I like pictures.  This is why I felt compelled to visually track which essays, during the past 11+ years, I had outlined or written, to chart my progress.  The diagram, itself, is from Bar Bri's Essay book (2007 version) to which I have added my own updates.

I was fortunate to employ a private tutor for my beginning studies who set me on a course which I refer to as reverse engineering.  That is, as a repeater, while I needed to substantively review the law, my primary focus has been to "unpeel the onion" starting with the outer layer and working inward.  Translation:  I have downloaded and have now reviewed 111 essays finding similar patterns across many of them until the essays, themselves, have become familiar territory.  There have been some wild cards. For instance, the July 2004 Torts question included wrongful death statutes and a February 2010 business association question tested general partnerships and LLP's.  I now know what the bar examiners consider a "model" answer and that the answer, while well analyzed, does not always correctly restate the black letter law.  The answers, however, are well analyzed and the arguments are intelligently composed.  Having read numerous model answers published in THE RECORDER, I am also gaining an appreciation for the bar reviewers abilities to answer the exams, although most answers are clear, concise, and on point.

This weekend, aside from doing laps at the outdoor pool at my new (and temporary) abode, I will be concentrating on two complete reviews of my MBE journals and answering another 200 bar exam questions using the questions published on-line through the National Conference of Bar Examiners.  If I pass the July 2010 California bar examination, and receive a sufficiently high scaled score, I will be able to transfer the MBE score into another state where I plan to take the bar exam in February 2011.  I can no longer "hang tough" in California writing motions for just over minimum wage. 

Unlike my first attempt at the bar exam, I am unusually calm.  I felt this way when I sat for the MPRE the third time.  At that time, I simply studied the questions after one day of substantive review.  250 questions later, I walked into the exam and found my place with a yellow card laying on the exam table.  I studied the patterns of the cards and learned that the yellow card marked the spot of an MPRE repeater.  Aside from the sting of the repeater stigma, I brushed it off and noticed that the room was spotted with yellow cards; I was in good company. 

When the exams were given out to the test takers and the proctor called, "Time!," I marked the number of questions that I needed to do for every 30 minutes to keep me on track, and then I proceeded to calmly review and strategically answer the questions.  When I received the exam scores, I was shocked to see how well I had done.

Really, the approach to the Bar Exam that I have taken this time is no different.  It is strategic and focused.  I've learned that I don't know everything in Convisor.  I've learned that I don't need to know everything.  In fact, there's only a finite number of rules that I need to know.  The rest I can "logic" out.

The final night of the bar exam, I need to call the court to determine if I've been called to jury duty, or dismissed.  While I'd love to serve on a jury, now is not the right time.  I need to say "Goodbye" to California for now to say "Hello" again.

At the same time, I will be saying "Goodbye" to some people who I've come to know well during this long trek to the California Bar exam.  And, who have come to tame me, and I them, like the Little Prince and the Fox.  (From the book, "The Little Prince," by Antoine de Saint-Exupery.) An excerpt and a picture follow...

And [the Little Prince] went back to meet the fox. "Goodbye," he said. "Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

So, you see, I have received gifts of friendship for which I am grateful.  When I leave California, I shall always remember my preparation for the California bar exam and the people whom I have come to know and who have supported me through this long journey and I shall miss them.

Under a Spell

Some nights, awakened by dreams . . . dreams of being an attorney . . . dreams of resuming my life . . . dreams of finding love . . . I find myself unable to sleep.

Someone gave me recordings from a hypnotist who prepares bar examinees for the California bar exam . . . I find myself regularly listening to the soothing sounds of an old man telling me, in the middle of the night, that I will be “cool, calm and collected” when I sit for the exam and that I am to whisper “memory, recall . . . memory, recall” to stimulate my subconscious to disgorge the black letter law.

I envision myself clicking ruby red high heels together and saying, “Auntie Em, I am cool, calm and collected and I am going pass this exam!”

I’ll call upon my subconscious to bring forward the arcane points of law so necessary to answer a MBE or to add to an essay. . .

And, I’ll have fun with the PT’s, my opportunity to apply my creativity – pure joy of expression within a legal framework . . .

So, if you, too, sometimes feel stymied,

If you feel that you are falling down a rabbit hole,

click your ruby shoes together and call upon your memory . . .

proceed with calm. . .

be collected. . .

and confident in yourself…

and play the game to win!

After the exam, I am, with deep regrets, leaving this great state of California. “Auntie Em, there’s no place like home!” But, my heart will be here in California and my hope will be to return. . .because I was a California girl all along. . .and I fit here.

P.S. If you see a tall blonde with ruby heels at the bar exam, you'll know that it's me!

Modeling the Answers

As of yesterday, I have written 37 essays (11 short of my goal of 48), and outlined another 58, with a goal of 72 (14 short of my goal).  My goal was to strategically exam 120 essays by end of week, seeking the common and the rare issues tested.

I have organized 3 three ring binders of essay exams across all subject areas, with a Table of Contents (to keep me on track), the student answers, my answer or outline, and the model answer from The Recorder (where available on-line.)

I keep Convisor and my tutor's book at hand, and any rule that I fail to thoroughly understand is read, written down and red lined in my essay or outline.  The past two days, I have been concentrating on Wills and Trusts because there are many different rules that have been tested; I want to chart and understand each of these.  Not a fan of "curve balls," I want to be ready for the usual "pitches" thrown out by the examiners, to swing my bat, and to hit it out of the park.  Game on, baby!

Because many student answers are incorrect concerning the rule of law (while many are correct and eloquently answered), I am incorporating the model answers published in "The Recorder" into my review.  These answers, while probably unachievable on the actual bar exam when the "rubber meets the road," are interesting to reveal the finer points of the law, and sometimes to confirm my conclusions which may vary substantially from the student's model answers selected by the bar examiners.

To be selected as model student answers published by the California State Bar, it is my understanding that each answer achieve an 80 score or better, and that the examinee be a bar passer.

See link on the side bar of this blog to the model answers as well as a link to past exams published by the State Bar.

In Honor of My Father

In 2004, I rode 50 miles on my Specialized to raise money in honor of my father, who was living at the time, to fund research for his rare form of cancer.  At that time, I was recovering from a frozen shoulder using traditional medicine and Qui Gong, a chinese healing practice.  I studied with a Qui Gong master and intuitive healer and she did much to restore both my body and soul.

In 2006, my father died at home.  He died a painful death, mitigated by liquid morphine administered by Hospice.  An architect, Dad lost his mental reasoning two days prior to his death, but, true to his passion and to his genius, he drew new designs and ordered his daughters to run blueprints out to non-existent jobs.  My father was a great man, and a flawed man.  I know no people who are not flawed in some way, including me.  We are human.

But, at this juncture in my life, I wish that my father were here to cheer me on.  To say, "I know that you can do this.  You have weathered the storms of life and yet you are still persisting to achive your dreams."

For, you see, I come from a family of artists and I was raised to believe in dreams and to believe that my dreams could be achieved through diligence, persistence, and hard work. 

Dad, I am doing my best to achieve my dreams. I dedicate the July 2010 bar exam and my efforts to you, in your honor. I hope to do you proud.

Bar Exam Survival Kit

Now, with the exam only 12 days hence, it's time to wind down one's studies.  I, myself, am doing what I call my "clean sweep."  Having now written or outlined 84 essays, I am sweeping each subject looking for sub-issues that I may have missed or need to re-review.  Today, it's civil procedure and motions to remand to state court, rights to jury trial in federal and California couts, and that "bugabo" that I must re-affix in my mind - joinder of parties.

Aside from that, I've made my hotel reservations at the testing site and put together my bar exam survival kit with a few sundry items to add -

• Aspirin or a pain reliever of choice
• Prilosec to keep my stomach acids at bay (for those with less queezy stomachs, Tums might suffice)
• Bandaids and antibiotic ointment (yes, I cut my arm on metal library shelves recently)
• Pencil sharpener
• No. 2 pencils
• Highlighters
• Ear plugs
• Pillows for one's seat
• An analog watch

Peppermints for sustanence and to keep my stomach calm (although mints, food, and water are NOT allowed!)

I will bring a power strip and ethernet cable just in case . . .

A word of caution, no cell phones are allowed so put your electronic instruments away.

Water is meted out by the bar examiners . . .a few sips, if time affords . . .

Legal Relief

About this time, I need some relief from the long days studying while still managing to bone-up on the law.  So, while some may be avid fans of legal shows, I am an avid fan of movies about the law. . .

Absence of Malice

Paul Newman and Sally Field play a public figure thrust into the limelight and a news reporter hot on the trail of a story, respectively.  To protect the newspaper from a defamation lawsuit, the legal counsel for the newspaper determines that there is an absence of malice in the published report, a critical element to prove defamation against a media defendant.

Jagged Edge

Glenn Close plays a top criminal defense lawyer in San Francisco, defending a news man played by Jeff Bridges, from a murder charge.  Evidence objections are liberally banded about at trial; great courtroom scenes!

And Justice for All

Al Pacino and others on this fantastic cast are either lawyers, judges or criminals, most of whom have lost their compassion for others.  Playing a defense attorney, Al balances his empathy for people against his respect for the law, while a state bar ethic's commission monitors his ethics.

Flash of Genius

The inventor of intermittent windshield wipers sues Ford for patent infringement and credit for the inventor's idea.  Robert Kerns represents himself at trial and wins back his inventor's "badge" and a few million besides, in this true story about one man fighting a corporation and achieving justice.

Your additions to this list would be appreciated!

Change of Venue

Sometimes a change of venue is good for the soul (but not maybe for the seat!) A secret garden outside the window, natural light and trees. . .ah, but I miss the musty smell of the law books. . .and the knowing smiles of the lawyers who wish me well. . .

Delving into corporations, today. . .de jure, de facto, piercing the corporate veil . . .I am reminded a painting by Dali, a child lifting the corner of the sea . . .

Being Selfish with One's Time

The bar exam is just over two weeks away; this is not a time to be selfless with one's time. If anything, this is a critical juncture during which one should be refining their knowledge of the law and not "cramming" for an uncrammable exam. This is a time to be selfish with one's time and to be honest about what works - and what doesn't work - for you. If something doesn't work (e.g. a memory system, a study style of a fellow bar examinee, etc.), don't be afraid to extricate yourself from that which is unworkable for you. This is your future income and future career.

This is also a time to commit legal concepts to long term memory. Having been provided advice from a bar exam instructor in 2009, to commit 1,000 flash cards to memory in a 7-day period just prior to the bar exam, on Day 2 I realized that attempting to cram the black letter law in seven days was very unworkable for me. Moreover, I believe that this poor advice was a contributory factor in throwing my game during the actual bar exam. I am not a crammer. Perhaps I "assumed the risk" of using the advice - throw a first-timer a life-line, and they will take it, thinking that you, the instructor, have the magic solution toward passing the bar exam.

Ah, but there is no magic solution. The only solution is diligence and practice. A concert violinist becomes renowned for their playing not by practicing one week before a concert, but for months before. . .come exam day, I'd like to be ready for my audience - the bar examinee - and to wow them with my analysis (at least one can hope!)

Surreal Life and Squatter's Rights

After the mock bar MBE exam on Tuesday, in which I took the NCBE 1998 exam, I called my tutor to “kiss the ground that he walks on” for my scores increased by 31 points over my 2009 actual bar exam performance. Given Strategies and Tactics, the MBE’s best surgical tool, I dissected the questions that I incorrectly answered, looked up rule statements and refined my understanding of the Black Letter Law.

What I’ve discovered is that the pat answer I was given in law school, “You just don’t know the law,” was patently untrue. What I did not understand was how to apply each element of the law to a hypothetical that, to me, seemed convoluted and surreal.

However, what I have also learned is that it is only by answering thousands of questions that one begins to understand how the questions, themselves, are developed and what the “triggers” are. For instance, if one intends to commit larceny, and then decides against it, and if one takes an affirmative step towards “taking” and carrying away the property of another, even a momentary taking qualifies for the crime, if the taking was intentional. My instinct was telling me otherwise; surely a moment in which one pockets a watch and then puts it down can’t constitute a crime. Ah, but it can!

My fellow bar examinee who shared the library with me is absent, thus, I have claimed squatter’s rights over his prime real estate since mine was claimed by rightful (e.g. licensed) attorneys in the library. 

These attorneys walk by bemused by the paper on the floor and my numerous books randomly arranged on the table. 

"Are you studying for the bar exam?"

"Yes. . ."

"Good luck," they smile as if to encourage me to go on.  (They've heard my sighs and watch me scatter paper on the floor in utter glee!)