I am learning that "blogging" is addicting. It has been at some of the most difficult moments of my life that I have felt the need to write; it seems to ease the pain. Life, since May 15, 2009, at least for a few days, seemed surreal. I can't be a "lawyer," as Robert Hawley states in the YouTube video below, and yet, being a paralegal is difficult, too. "No J.D.'s apply." It takes the open-mindedness of a hiring manager to look past my degree(s) and experience to take a chance at accepting me into their organization.
Aside from writing, I also take solace in nature. Thus, yesterday, and in an effort to regain my health, I have been hiking. I hiked 5 miles at Pt. Reyes. Alone. Thinking, sometimes, about mountain lions. And seeing examples of survival in nature...a tree, felled by some force of nature, arching up through to the sky in a giant u-shape, with tiny ferns lacing its trunk, and leaves at top pushing and competing with other trees to glimpse the sun.
I came to an opening in the forest, and sat beneath a giant pine tree. There were few hikers; the air, heavy with fog, was silent UNTIL a hawk swooped above me - I heard the air whooshing beneath his wings -- and landed in MY tree. I gazed overhead at his giant wings and he gazed down at me until some hikers, laughing, rounded the corner and this moment between the hawk and I was broken.
Perhaps, I should have spent some time in nature to put my studies into perspective instead of letting the process consume me so that even my dreams were punctuated with the black letter law. I feared not knowing it all, or not doing enough until my bar studies actually became obsessive. This obsessiveness was not helpful; it lead to my defeat at the bar. Now, I think that I will continue to spend a day in nature and make it a priority as I make my path forward.
2 comments:
I think you are on to something with the damage that obsession does to the psyche. In my opinion, one MUST take at least a day off per week and must limit one's hours of study per day (8-10 hours max; just like a regular job). Maybe your back problems are linked to the obsessiveness as well?
Good luck with round two. Maybe my blog can help? Check it out at http://baradvisor.blogspot.com.
Thank you for your comments. You are absolutely correct - one MUST both take time off as well as limit the time studying. My back problems were exacerbated both by long hours sitting and by the stress of preparing for the exam. I am now working with a yoga medic to correct. Your blog is helpful; you have a new follower!
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