Lady in Waiting

It has now been about five hours since I, and repeatedly, input my application and file number into the California Bar exam web site. At first glance, I was sure that the state bar had made a mistake, however, I printed the evidence; it is now sitting nearby, in black and white, and not on some vacuous screen.

I called my bar exam tutor (who was surprised by my 9:00 a.m. call) who said, "Well, sometimes they make mistakes."

"How often?" I asked.

"I can't say how often but it is not uncommon. You should wait until you get your scores through the mail."

Regardless, I think that the probability of error is very, very low. I do not want to hold out a thin thread of hope, a fictitious life-line.

I'd like to know now my scores now - not days from now - so that I can begun to diagnose my areas of strength and weakness and map out my strategy for the next exam. And, while I stared at the words, "applicant's name is not on the pass list," early this morning, I had resolved not to retake the exam and fell, Alice-in-Wonderland like, into a pool of tears. But, then, a new feeling overtook me, one of resolving to win, and not to fail. I think that I should begin by swimming . . .